you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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