Rock
Scissors
Fuck
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
