new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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