If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
