My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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