My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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