my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
