Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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