His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
