We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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