this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
