I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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