One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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