You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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