You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i dont even know how to be here
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
