He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
