Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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