Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You made out with two different species that night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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