If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
