6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
