got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
