Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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