Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
