my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
