I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
