If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Two words: blizzard sex
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
