I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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