i think my tv is drunk
I skipped work to stalk him.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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