I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize