I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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