how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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