Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
