You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
