just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Boobs speak an international language.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
