he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize