I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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