So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
