there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
His nipple licking is glorious
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