I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
