what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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