How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
