now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
