You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize