Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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