My sheets look like a crime scene.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
