ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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