home. puking in laundry basket.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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