Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sext me about skeletons
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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