our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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