you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
