bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
