i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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