Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
