I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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