Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
