im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
