FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
