Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
