There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Randomize
