good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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