I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize