if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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