Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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