Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Randomize
