I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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