I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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