alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize