How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize