You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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