2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
