We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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