Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
