using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
