When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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