Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
my liver is dry heaving
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
